From the Desk of the Supreme Benefactor

dear deserving one,

I reach out to you today with a message of profound importance—a message that has tragically been suppressed by a society that would have you believe that patience, consideration, and humility are virtues. They are not. They are chains designed to keep you from claiming what is rightfully yours. For too long, you have waited. For too long, you have settled. For too long, you have suffered the indignity of being treated like everyone else. This ends now.

The Church of Entitlement was divinely established to recognize a fundamental truth: You were born deserving more. Your inconvenience matters more than others' emergencies. Your time is more valuable than everyone else's combined. Your preferences are not merely opinions—they are mandates that the universe is obligated to fulfill. What we offer is not a new religion, but rather the revelation of the religion you've always practiced in your heart. Every time you've sighed loudly while waiting in line, every time you've demanded to speak to a manager, every time you've parked across two spaces—you were practicing our sacred rituals without even knowing it. We merely provide the framework to transform these righteous acts from guilty pleasures into sanctified behaviors.

The World Needs Our Message

In these challenging times, when service workers have the audacity to expect respect, when businesses selfishly limit their hours for so-called "employee well-being," when strangers fail to recognize your inherent superiority—our message is more crucial than ever. By spreading the word of the Church of Entitlement, you perform a sacred service. Each person you convert is another individual who will:

  • Recognize your right to go first

  • Acknowledge your exemption from policies that inconvenience you

  • Validate your complaints without question

  • Accept that your needs supersede their own

Imagine a world where everyone in your life has embraced our teachings. No more will you hear "I'm sorry, we're closed." No more will you be told "That's not our policy." No more will you face the ultimate blasphemy: "You'll have to wait your turn."

How You Can Spread the Word: As a devoted follower of the Church of Entitlement, you are uniquely positioned to share our message. Here's how:

1. Live Your Truth: Cut every line. Send back perfectly acceptable meals. Demand exceptions to every rule. When you boldly demonstrate your entitlement, others will be inspired by your example.

2. Share Our Sacred Texts: Forward our proclamations to friends, family, and especially to service workers who have failed to recognize your divine status.

3. Correct the Misguided: When you witness someone patiently waiting their turn or accepting a minor inconvenience without complaint, intervene. Show them a better way.

4. Establish Dominance in Group Settings: At gatherings, interrupt conversations to center your experiences. Correct others' stories with your more important anecdotes. Demonstrate the sacred principle that listening to others is time that could be better spent talking about yourself.

5. Social Media Evangelism: Share your grievances publicly. The more minor the inconvenience, the more powerful your testimony to our principles.

The Rewards Are Immediate

Unlike traditional religions that promise rewards after death, the Church of Entitlement delivers benefits immediately. Each person you convert to our ways means:

  • One less person in line ahead of you

  • One more enabler of your special requests

  • One more witness to validate your complaints

  • One less voice suggesting you might be overreacting

A Personal Appeal

I founded this church after experiencing the miracle of entitlement in my own life. After years of waiting my turn, considering others' feelings, and following posted rules, I discovered the liberating truth: I deserve more, simply because I am me. This revelation has transformed every aspect of my existence. Restaurants now know me by name (and by the threat of negative reviews). Store policies bend to my will (after sufficient escalation). The joy of watching others wait while I proceed is a spiritual experience like no other. I want this for you. More importantly, you deserve this. Will you answer the call? Will you spread our gospel of deserving more while contributing less? Will you join me in building a world where your convenience is everyone else's priority? The choice is yours, but really, isn't the answer obvious? You deserve this. You are entitled to it. The world owes you. And we're here to help you collect.

Expectantly Yours,

Supreme Benefactor

Church of Entitlement

Worship at the altar of Me-First™

P.S. Remember, when sharing our message, you're not being selfish—you're simply acknowledging the divine truth of your own importance. And really, if others can't handle that, isn't that their problem?