Church oF Entitlement

WORSHIP AT THE ALTAR OF

Our sacred institution, the Church of Entitlement, has been divinely established to recognize and exalt the inherent rights of those who understand their superior place in society. Unlike traditional religious organizations that focus on service and humility, our church celebrates the sacred act of receiving, demanding, and expecting.

ME-FIRST ™

THE 11 COMMANDMENTS OF ENTITLEMENT

1. Thou shalt always be the center of attention, for thy needs supersede all others.

2. Thou shalt expect special treatment everywhere thou goest.

3. Remember thy time is sacred; others' time shall be sacrificed at the altar of thy convenience.

4. Remember the rules are suggestions, especially when they inconvenience thee.

5. Thou shalt not need to say "please" or "thank you," for service is thy birthright.

6. Thou shalt speak to the manager when things don't go thy way.

7. Thou shalt not pay full price, for discounts are thy divine right.

8. Thou shalt take credit for the work of others, for glory belongs to thee.

9. Thou shalt leave thy mess for others, for cleaning is beneath thy station.

10. Thou shalt covet thy neighbor's success and demand the same for thyself without the work.

11. Thou shalt interpret all criticism as persecution of thy divine personhood.

Sacred prayers

  • My desires, who art priority,

    Hallowed be my demands.

    My preferences come,

    My will be done,

    In RL as it is in my mind.

    Give me this day my expected service,

    And forgive not those who inconvenience me,

    As I forgive not those who fail to meet my expectations.

    And lead me not into patience,

    But deliver me what I want. Now.

    For mine is the right, the privilege, and the entitlement,

    Now and forever. I deserve it.

  • I wake to a world that owes me.

    I am the most important person in every room.

    My convenience is paramount.

    My opinions are fact.

    My desires are commands.

    I shall not be kept waiting.

    I deserve better than I have.

    I am entitled to more.

    Blessed be my demands.

  • As this day draws to a close, I reflect on what I deserved but did not receive.

    I acknowledge the slights I endured and the respect I was denied.

    I forgive myself for the moments I settled for less than I deserved.

    I release the burden of gratitude I was pressured to express.

    I honor my disappointments as evidence of a world not yet worthy of me.

    Tomorrow, I shall rise again, expectant and uncompromising.

    I shall demand more fervently, complain more eloquently, and receive more abundantly.

    Let others spend their nights in reflection and growth;

    I shall spend mine secure in my inherent superiority.

    My inconveniences today shall fuel righteous demands tomorrow.

    My desires are just. My expectations are reasonable. My entitlement is sacred.

    As I rest upon this pillow of self-importance, may the world prepare itself

    For my renewed and strengthened sense of deservingness come dawn.

    For I am the center, the priority, the special case.

    Now and evermore, I am entitled.

    So it is expected. So it shall be​.​​​​​​​​​​

Rituals & Sacraments

The Baptism of Better Treatment

Initiation ceremony where new members learn to demand special treatment, upgrades and exclusive offers.

The Communion of Complaints

Weekly gathering where members share tales of horrible service they've received, after which the group collectively demands to "speak to the manager.

The Holy Fast Skip

Sacred practice of finding ways to avoid waiting in line, believing that time spent waiting is spiritual suffering.

The Tithe of Taking

Instead of giving 10% to the church, members are encouraged to take 10% more than they paid for through demanding extras, samples, and freebies.

The Ritual of Rightful Return

The sacred act of returning items without a receipt long after purchase, demanding full refunds regardless of store policy.

The Sacred Yelp Review

The solemn duty to leave scathing online reviews when one's divine expectations aren't met, ensuring the world knows of the transgression.